Doesn’t it seem like some people have lots of friends and others have very few. You might say that it’s unfair. However, you may have found some people are more fun to hang around with than others. Why is that? Well, it may be personal chemistry or the fact that they’re positive, upbeat people. There may be many other reasons for this, but the one factor that I would like to zero in on is conversation skills. Conversation skills often make or break potential relationships and may help or harm existing ones.
Why? One who is fluent with words and can confidently express their feelings or insights on a specific topic and at the same time, entertain their audience, is a good conversationalist. Such a person attracts people and makes friends easily. Not only are they interesting to listen to, but knowledgeable on what subject they speak about. Also, once one realizes they are good listeners, she is likely to turn to this person again and again for advice or feedback. People will seek out that great conversationalist time and time again.
Before we can understand what makes a great conversationalist great, we must focus in on the poor conversationalists. I would like to categorize poor conversationalists into two groups: the quiet and the blabbermouths.
The quiet person typically has nothing to say. He just sits there silently and may or may not pay attention to what is being said. Rarely, if ever does he have anything worthwhile to contribute to a conversation and when he speaks, his responses are usually monosyllabic in nature (“yeah” or “no”) or single sentences. They usually speak in a monotone voice.
Getting this person to speak is a big challenge. He’s like the “are we having fun yet?” type of person. He appears to be apathetic and may be thought to lack intelligence. It seems like he has no opinion about anything. He often annoys people in one-on-one situations because he leaves it up to the other person to make all the effort in keeping the conversation going. Such an individual is often a loner with few, if any, friends.
Usually, the quiet type is not too sociable. If they see someone they don’t know or care for, they won’t stop and say “hello.” Many of them are introverted. Since they lack self-confidence, they feel it’s best just to remain quiet. Some are shy and unwilling to volunteer to help others in need. Likewise, if they see something that is going wrong in a public environment (such as a mechanical failure in the workplace), instead of reporting the problem to authorized personnel, they assume someone else will.
Then there are the blabbermouths. Blabbermouths dominate conversations. They are dying to get noticed by others. Likewise, they don’t like to listen and may not care how you feel. They talk and talk and talk whether you care what they’re saying or not. At the same time, they go into great detail on subjects sometimes to the point where you want to tell them to shut up. Some go on and on and don’t care if you get a word in edgewise. Once you finally respond back, they interrupt you before you can finish. Most of them can’t seem to express all of their thoughts fast enough.
Usually these people are extroverted and are rarely, if ever afraid to say what’s on their mind. Such people are typically sociable and crave attention from others.
Blabbermouths can be subcategorized:
First are the whiners/complainers. They just have to complain about something and in the meantime, assume you want to hear their personal beefs. Most likely, they want you to feel sorry for them.
Second are the know-it-alls. These are people with overinflated egos who want to convince you that whatever you know about any particular subject, they know even more. Any experience you have lived through, they lived through a worse one. Any place you’ve been, they’ve been there too and seen more than you did.
Third are the gossipers. In order to gain recognition and approval by personal acquaintances, they put others down. I cover them more in my article: Gossiping Is Annoying and Immature. Unlike the other blabbermouths, they are willing to listen, hoping they’ll learn more about the people around them.
Fourth are the self-lovers (for lack of a better term). Like the know-it-alls, they have false, overinflated egos. While they like to go on and on bragging about themselves, but deep down inside they feel insecure or unhappy. They must justify that by trying to get others to notice them. They are often annoying and don’t want to hear about others.
My Social Anxiety as a Poor Conversationalist
Up to my late 30s, I have been the quiet type. Trying to find things to say was typically next to impossible. Afraid of making a fool of myself, I remained motionless and quiet. In social situations I seldom contributed to conversations. Although I dreaded personal gatherings, felt too antisocial if I missed them.
While sitting at a table with others I was usually the only one with nothing to say. This was especially true when coworkers would go out for lunch or drinks after work. Work meetings were unpleasant for me as well. I would listen to others and noticed everyone there had things to say, but not me. As a result, I would become sweaty and shaky and turn red in the face.
I later realized I had a form of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Not only did I feel inferior in front of groups of people, but also felt that if I did one little thing wrong, I would be adversely judged by them. I had a low self-esteem because it seemed like I had very few if any friends. I have had jobs working in offices where I noticed coworkers stopping at each others’ desks and talking, but never stopping to talk to me. I was worried that people thought I was a boring person.
I remember going out on dates in my mid 20s. On some dates, making conversation was difficult. It’s like I let some potentially great women slide through my hands because neither one of us knew what to say to each other. One woman even constantly fidgeted with her straw wrapper because she became bored. Needless to say, we had only one meeting and that was it.
How to Improve Your Conversation Skills
Being a good conversationalist is a valuable personal art indeed. This is one component of humanity that makes a person popular and successful. Still, no matter how prosperous and well-liked people are, most everyone has room for improvement.
Making great conversation isn’t always easy because people have different lifestyles and interests. Why some may be extremely compassionate about a particular subject, say astrology, others will find it absolutely boring. Hence, there is no one formula for making great conversation, but there are tactics that can make a discussion more fulfilling.
Imagine that you see someone you don’t know but would like to get acquainted with. How do you approach him or her? Say you see someone of the opposite sex you might want to take out on a date, how do you strike up a conversation? Or when you’re alone with someone you know and want to pass the time away talking.
As you already know, strangers are not willing to talk to others unless they have to. Making small-talk or chatting about the weather never leads anywhere (unless perhaps, there was a bona fide storm in your community).
Here are additional tactics:
- Speak with emotion – Have some vocal variety in your voice. Speaking in a dull monotone voice will never get you anywhere.
- Talk about something you have a genuine interest in – The more knowledgeable you are about a specific topic, the more prepared you are to talk about it. Don’t pretend you know about something you don’t and don’t make assumptions. After all, you don’t know who you’re talking to. If you make a guess on how something works and the other person realizes that you’re “dead wrong”, you’ll look like a big horse’s ass. For example, when CDs first came out, I guessed how sounds were transmitted by the players. Though the signals are composed of only 0s and 1s, I thought every digit from 0 to 9 was used. Little did I know, I was talking to a computer engineer.
- Present an object – If you have something in hand that people like to look at such as magazines, photographs or souvenirs, this is a good place to begin. People love touching and looking at things, even the not-so-talkative folks. If you do present an object to a stranger, keep it in good taste.
- Tell a story – People love to hear stories about tragedies, mishaps, or controversial subjects. Likewise, they love to talk about things pertaining to their personal interests. Nobody wants to hear about matters they can’t relate to or ordinary life stories. They love to hear about setbacks or troubles one has experienced. Such examples may be traffic accidents, run-ins with the law, or terrible mistakes one has made. Subjects as politics and sports are great providing the other person has an interest in them and you remain neutral.
- Ask questions — By asking a question, you can solicit a response from the other person. Such questions may start out with: “How do you feel about…?”, “Did you know that….?”, or “What if…?” Ask only open-ended questions. Yes or no questions drop a conversation dead in its tracks. If you have trouble coming up with a question, ask someone something that you already know just to hear what they have to say. If you want to know more about something, ask questions, but not unless you “get the ball rolling.”
- Follow the topic — If the person starts talking about another aspect of the subject, talk about that aspect too. If you don’t know much about it, gently sway them back to the original subject.
- Be polite – Talk as if you’re talking to someone at a formal occasion such as a wedding or funeral. Don’t use profanity or make sexist, racist, or any other negatively opinionated remarks. Even though a subject may upset you, don’t get emotional, especially if they say something you strongly disagree with. If you already know the person, you are free to them in their own language. Don’t get sarcastic or run down people in other walks of life.
- Stay positive – People would much rather talk to an optimist rather than a pessimist. By bringing up the positive side of an aspect, you give them a better impression of you.
- Don’t interrupt — Never, ever cut a person off before she is done talking. After all, they would like to get their point across to you just as much as you would like to get your point across to them. Interrupting them is a sure sign that shows you don’t care about what they have to say. Also, never try to dominate the conversation.
- 10. Keep them entertained – Don’t bore a person with long, uninteresting details or technical jargon they’re not familiar with. Talk only about things that are likely to affect them directly. Use some humor, but keep it in good taste.
If you’re an extremely poor conversationalist or you just want to improve your speaking skills, you may want to join Toastmasters International. For those of you not familiar with this organization, they are simply a group of members who get together once a week to sharpen their skills on speaking in public. This club helps its members overcome their fear of speaking in front of audiences while helping participants further excel in their professional careers.
Here you will give five to ten minute speeches, evaluate other speakers, or participate in table topics. Table topics are random subjects each member speaks on for about one minute, but nobody knows what their topic will be until they are given it. This teaches members to speak effectively “on their toes.” Sometimes, you’ll be assigned to evaluate a speaker. Best of all, people learn to speak by watching others and learning from their mistakes. This is a great club and everyone has fun attending it including myself. It has helped me sharpen my conversation skills.
Toastmasters Int. is a worldwide organization with clubs in most all major cities and suburban areas. With a little research, you can find one in your community. There is a fee to joining, but it is about $50 a year or less.
Learn, Learn, Learn
The more you learn about life and the world you live in, the more you’ll know. The more you know, the better a conversationalist you will be. Keep up on the news in your town and current events. If you want to know more about a particular subject, research it or seek advice from those who know it well. It goes without saying, the internet is a great source of information with social media sites (as Facebook) and libraries of articles. Finally, listen to how good conversationalists talk and try to follow their examples.